Older Lust: Reflections on Attraction to Older Men

Now that I find myself in a stable, rewarding intergenerational relationship , it is interesting to look back at how I got here. To examine how I came to recognize my attraction to older men and how I finally came to act on those feelings. In a strange way, coming to terms with age disparate attraction was a parallel journey to coming to terms with my own homosexuality. They are so closely related I’m not sure how I kept them separate, but I did.

I think I first started noticing men when I was in the seventh grade. In P.E. it wasn’t the other boys in the locker room that got me excited, it was the coach. Throughout high school my attraction was always focused on the teachers, not my fellow students. I tried to rationalize or pray away my homosexuality, but it didn’t work. By my senior year I finally admitted it to myself, accepting that I’d never be attracted to women.

I first started coming out to friends when I went to college. But I feared acknowledging my attraction to older men and I never really considered them a possibility when it came to relationships. I went on a few quasi-dates with guys my own age, but they never came to much. Privately I explored my attraction to older men on the internet; college was the first time I really had access. I also entertained what was probably an unhealthy obsession with Anthony Hopkins, watching just about any film of his I could get my hands on and collecting photos of him I could find on the internet.

Like in high school my older male teachers became the objects of my attention. Fortunately it was not impolite to stare during lecture and I could examine their every physical feature. But, for the first time I became emotionally caught up on one of those men as well.

When I first met the professor he was in his mid-sixties. I immediately gravitated toward him; he was smart, handsome, and highly engaged with his students. Over the years I managed to get closer to him, first working in his department’s office, then working for him privately. I enjoyed being around him both emotionally and intellectually.

For me, my relationship with him was quite complicated. It took a long time for me to parse out all my feelings about him. I was attracted to him both physically and emotionally, but because I valued him so much as a teacher and a mentor I never risked compromising that. In fact, I never even allowed myself to fantasize about him. I did become highly emotionally invested in him though, obsessed with seeing him and concerned with his well being.

In hindsight I think my relationship with the professor impeded my emotional growth, at least in terms of romantic relationships. Though I wouldn’t fully admit it to myself until eight years after I first met him, when I moved out west, I had fallen in love with the man. My unrequited infatuation with him offered a safe holding pattern in which I didn’t have to confront the complicated issues of meeting or dating older men.

I think I did begin to deviate from that comfortable position of unrealized love as my impending move to the West became more likely. I finally began going on full fledged dates with someone from a neighboring city. He was about my age, only a few years older. I was still very afraid to break the social expectations of who a young gay man should be attracted to. But, I also started frequenting an online dating site dedicated to older men and their admirers, and began corresponding with a few older men. The probability of the move meant the possibility that I could start over, it freed me to explore avenues for finding a true romantic relationship.

It wasn’t until I did move that I was able to get some distance to reflect on my infatuation with the professor, to admit that I had fallen in love with him, and that in some ways that had held me back. But, in that admission it also helped me recognize what I really wanted. That yes I was truly interested in older men and that they weren’t just the objects of fetishistic arousal, but that they could be pursued as legitimate, authentic partners. Like admitting to myself that I was gay, there was an epiphany where I realized I really could pursue an age disparate relationship. Eventually I began dating and building relationships with older gay men. As those relationships increased I was able to reconcile those two aspects of my character, being gay and being attracted to older men, into a single aspect of my identity. While I may still have a ways to go in educating and informing those around me, I certainly now feel at ease with myself.

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23 Responses

  1. Wonderful story, one very similar to my own. Thanks for sharing this, and I hope I eventually find the man I will spend the rest of my life with.

    Until then, I’ll be satisfied with just shooting them with a camera… ;-)

    Nate

  2. thanx for this post, which is very true in my case as well. i also had my share of the same Anthony-Hopkins-fanstasy like you did, collecting every possible images of him on the Net (and making my right hand busy in the process), adoring him as God… but at the age of 20, i found my LOVE whom i’ve being sharing my life with ever since. i was lucky, the very first time i declared my love (hell yes! i had balls to say to one of the profs of my institution – he was not my prof though) to an older man, it just happened to be HIM. i became a man when i started to love him. i felt as if i had wasted 20 long years of life, without even knowing the potential of love… i may not say that it’s a daddy/son fantasy or whatever – it’s a “normal” and healthy relationship involving two adults like any other gay or straight relationship; it’s as simple as that (at least for me).

  3. Very interesting story, I find that I have many similarities but I am 21 and still unsure about having a relationship with an older man.

    • James– I find myself in a similar situation on the other end of the spectrum: That of building a relationship with a younger man. Good luck to both of us.

  4. I would love to have a relationship with a young man as the writer of this article.

  5. Thank you. As a man who has recently been asked by a man forty years my junior whether I would become his mentor, I am both astounded and pleased at the possibilities. Your tales help in my growth.

  6. This is a great blog but wish there were more entries. There is so much to talk about. For me I am the older in what will soon be a 15 year relationship. He was 25 when we met and we have both grown over the years, yes even at age 61! He is a wonderful handsome loved filled man. He brings a smile to my face every day. I hope to write more about us again. I hope too that you will share more of your daily life. We are a bit unique and have problems that perhaps are not shared by mates in the same age brackets.

  7. Thanks for writing this article and opening up! So much of what you said I could relate with. Everything from being attracted to the gym coach in Junior High, to idolizing the male teachers, to having a full fledged relationship with a man about 20 years older. It’s so important to be true to ourselves, it’s just a bit difficult because there are some mindsets that are closed and not open to ways of life that are off the beaten path. But so happy things have worked out for you, and all the other commenters. I almost look at it as 2-coming outs. The first for homosexuality, the second for attractions to older men.

  8. i have been with a wonderful man for 17 years. We met when he was 61 and i was 34. Very very sadly, he died last month, and I’m feeling so utterly lost without him being around. We were hugely in love. I only wish we had discussed how we should lead our lives should we be parted through death. i wish i knew for sure what he wanted me to do should he die before me. if you are in this position of being with your loving man, I recommend you talk about it, and remember the conversation when the terrible time comes when you have to part. i have wonderful unique memories of our times together, but I’m terribly sad inside.

    • I am terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such sage advice with all of us here.

    • Hey … terribly sorry for your loss. Like you, I am in a very loving intergenerational relationship. The fact that life is short makes our relationship stronger. We are grateful to have each other and we count our blessings everyday.

      To the owner of this blog, thank you. I found many similarities of your story, one of which is the infatuation I have with Anthony Hopkins.

      Love your blog!!

      Scottie

    • I was partnered to the love of my life , John for three wonderful years. I was 41 and John was 70 when we met on AOL. We had both been married before we met and divorced our wives so we could share our life together. Lung cancer took John’s life. The love we shared was so sublime, no words can really describe the happiness we shared. I was crushed when he passed away, I grieved deeply, tears everyday for three years, slowly I healed. Never thought I’d find a love like his again. I met another man Charles, on ICUII 12 years ago and came to visit him. He is now 81 and I am 58. Chuck and John have given me so much in my heart. There will come a time when I will again be devastated with the loss of my older partner. It will be even more difficult because Chuck and I have shared more time together. The loves are different in many ways, but the same in other aspects. Both have been wonder mentors to me. I’ve grown into a man I would have never been without them in my life. I’m proud of who I am. We are not “out” in our community, but it works. We have straight friends who love us. They may have guessed we are partners or not. In any event our friends love us. He is a retired professor, Mason, Shriner. He has always included me in functions he attends. We are cousin’s as far as anyone is concerned. John, was the first man I had ever been intimate with. Older men don’t have the libido younger men have, that goes without saying. But that never mattered to me. We enjoyed what we could enjoy sexually. What I focused on was being in love and being happy together. Doing the simple little things, special things that make someone feel content. A smile from a man whom you adore and who adores you is heaven on earth. Age is a state of mind. The body gets older but a heart is young as it wants to be. An older man loves true.
      They are more thoughtful I think. I have really been blessed with two wonderful men. If I never love again, I’ve had the very best in life.
      I hope every young man who has an affinity for an older gentleman takes a leap of faith to share a life with your love to enjoy the company and sincerity of a sweet older man.

  9. I hope this blog is still current because I need help. I’m a 58 year old gay man who has never come out but suspects it wouldn’t be a huge surprise to those who know me but I gave up on a relationship many years ago until very recently after a night out where I got terribly drunk and started cruising the web for some relief. I finally arrived at a rather seedy webchat site filled with lonely old men like me looking for a cheap thrill and I felt quite disgusted with myself. About to give up I came across a young man who intrigued me enough to continue chatting with him he was very handsome but I could not believe that he was really interested in me and I still have some doubts but he looks so genuine that I can’t get him out of my mind. We exchanged email addresses and after a dozen or so messages to me he put me onto skype.
    Talking to him on skype I felt very exposed but at least he could see me and I could see him and he still appeared to enjoy being with me. We talked for almost an hour with very nervous pauses on my part. He is a 27yr old med graduate looking for a position in Miami so I guess he’s quite intelligent. I just can’t fathom what he sees in me when he could clearly have his pick of any gay man – he is honestly that good- looking and Brazilian.
    What I’d like some confirmation on is DO YOUNG MEN LIKE THAT REALLY FANCY BORING OLD FARTS LIKE ME?

    • Hi David,

      I’m glad that you found my blog and hope you will continue reading posts here; I think you’ll see that the idea of intergenerational relationships isn’t as foreign as you might think.

      To answer your question, and the easy part of your comment to respond to, yes,

        some

      younger men are attracted to older men such as yourself. I am one of them. And, don’t sell yourself short, you’re probably not as boring as you think you are.

      Now, onto the harder aspect of your comment to respond to, the fact that you’re acknowledging your sexual orientation later in life. Coming out is always a challenge, and coming out later in life carries with it its own special challenges, but it can be done successfully. There might a marriage or children involved, and even if that isn’t the case there are often long standing relationships such as old friends or work colleagues who you might feel wouldn’t take your coming out well. But, it sounds like you might be ready to take the first steps.

      The key is to take it slow. Find support for your coming out, perhaps test coming out on a friend that you know will be supportive, someone who can become an ally. If that person doesn’t already exist in your life you may want to look for a new friend or a coming out support group that can help you through the process. If you can afford it, a gay friendly therapist might be helpful.

      As you get more comfortable I think it is reasonable to start dating and exploring the physical side of your sexuality, but do so with caution (in terms of your sexual, emotional, and physical help). But, I caution against getting into a relationship too quickly, coming out can be a long and emotional process. Don’t try to have all your needs (emotional, physical, security, etc) by one person. It is important to discover who you are as your identity shifts and to reassess your values and goals before attaching yourself to someone else.

      There is likely so much more that I could say, but I think I should stop here. I encourage you to search the web for coming out stories, there are lots out there and I think you’ll find them very encouraging. Your local library may also be a useful resource for books on sexuality and coming out. Also, if you do decided to start becoming sexually active, I encourage you to educate yourself on sexual health (such as HIV/STD prevention).

      Here’s wishing you the best of luck,
      Aaron
      GtD

      • Thank you Aaron for your response and so quickly. I feel reassured already. I’ve had this song playing in my mind since I awoke this morning ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls’ and I wondered if my subconcious mind was trying to tell me something. Why – because I have the strongest urge to use my winter week holiday in January to go to Miami to meet this young man. I am not rich or well off by any stretch of the imagination and I’ve already travelled to America three times this year but I find myself making excuses that January is a new year so it will only be my first holiday.
        I think what I’m looking for in this case is someone to say NO!! DON’T do this, it would be the biggest mistake of your life even though I probably will anyway, By the way I live in the UK in case that was’t apparent to give you an idea how expensive it is to travel there and I usually stay at least 4 star – had 30years of 2 and 3 star accommodation and Vegas has spoilt me for life.
        Regards,
        David

      • David, I didn’t realize that you lived so far away from this person you were chatting with. Online friends can be a great help and also be a very safe way to explore your feelings. I still have online friends around the US and in Europe that I got to know when I was first exploring my attraction to older men. I have, over time, met some of them, but I think it is folly to rush to meet someone especially at such distance and expense. Spend that time and money closer to cultivate yourself closer at home.

    • Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Of course there are men who love older farts like you. I’m a younge fart age 58 who has had teo partners my belated John who was 73 and my present partner Charles age 81. Love is real. Go for it. BUT, make sure he is not just looking for a sugardaddy to pay his way. College tuition? You’ll know love when you see it for real. Just be careful with your heart.
      Make sure he is in love with you not your ablity to make him comfortable. Best wishes.

  10. Thank you again Aaron, as i mentioned I was thinking along those lines but what I failed to mention was that I have never had a relationship in my life apart from a few clumsy attempts with women some thirty years ago and that’s a long time to just ‘browse’. So when someone who seem so genuine offers what you’ve dreamed of for a lifetime, it’s a little difficult to see the pitfalls.
    Of course I see where your coming from and believe that would be the proper course of action but do you see my point also – this would be my first time and I also has 3 wonderful, caring emails from him yesterday which makes me even more indecisive.
    Kindest regards,
    David ( the 58yr old virgin lol)

  11. exactly same storie i am 40 year old i am not educated high school gratuate, he is he had very interesting life, i loved him at first time we get tgether he is 72, left me after 5 days just because iwas owenest with him.

  12. Great story. 54 years here. Just a high school grad whose heart always ached for a close bond to another guy. Out of desperation, I ran into 2 relationships that ended miserably and now I guess I’m playing it safe on the ropes. A thinking, hearted young man is what I need. Who cares why. Thanks so much for the post.

  13. [...] Older Lust: Reflections on Attraction to Older Men [...]

  14. Yha iam65 and had two younger friends who are really interested in making friends with older guy like me we had very satisfying relationship

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