Advice for Older Men: On Meeting Younger Men

I apologize for being a little skimpy on the posts this week. John and I have family visiting currently so it has been difficult to find additional time to write. However I am inspired on some new topics related to intergenerational relationships; my writing should pick back up again sometime next week. In the mean time I leave you with has become the second part of a post on meeting me for intergenerational relationships.

Last week one of my posts included suggestions on where a younger man might meet older gay men. This week I take a look at suggestions for older men. Inevitably there is quite a bit of overlap in these suggestions, but I’ve tried to tailor each to the older man. Again, I hope these suggestions will encourage readers to try a variety of strategies when it comes to meeting other men.

1. Find a gay dating site geared toward intergenerational relationships. I think this is a little more imperative for older gay men than it is for the younger guys. Traditional gay dating sites offer a huge pool of hot young guys, but you end up having to wade through all of them to find the few that are legitimately interested in older men. Sites such as Silverdaddies, Caffmos, DaddyHunt, and SeeksOlder take much of the guess work out of contacting younger men. You know they are much more likely to be interested in you so you save time and trouble.

2. Join an organized group geared toward GLBT members. When choosing a group try to find a topic or hobby you’re interested in, but also consider whether younger guys are also likely to be involved. The local gay softball team or cycling group are probably safe bets. The wine tasters and square dance clubs probably are not.

3. Get involved with your local GLBT community center. This is all about knowing what is going on in the community and networking with people. The larger your gay social circle the more likely you are to meet someone interesting. Or to be introduced to someone from someone in your new larger social circle. Through the local community center you’ll know what special events are happening in your area and they can probably help you find some of the GLBT groups mentioned above.

4. If you haven’t already, consider joining a gym. This isn’t about obtaining a gym body; for the most part younger guys that are attracted to older men aren’t looking for the traditional adonis anyway. However fitness is important and young guys like to know that you’re taking care of yourself. Ultimately you’ll look and feel better, but don’t feel like you have to kill yourself during your workouts. The other important aspect of going to the gym is actually meeting people. As the character Jack said on Will and Grace, the gym is gay church. It offers a lot of potential for meeting young, fit guys.

5. Go to the gay bars and clubs. Like with traditional dating sites you may have to wade through a lot of guys that just aren’t interested in older men. We’re a part of gay culture which cherishes youth, don’t let it get you down. Instead grab a friend, go and have fun, and try to chat up some of the younger guys, just don’t try too hard. Going with a friend will help keep you calm and will give you someone to enjoy your experience with, whether you meet someone or not. Ultimately, this will help you meet people; you’ll look fun and confident. When going out try to keep yourself age appropriate. Depending on your age and personal style certain clubs just might not work for you. As I’ve said before, trying too hard will evoke a sense of pity or scorn from your intended target rather than attraction.

6. Keep you eyes and mind open during your day to day life. As a group gay people are pretty bad at keeping to ourselves; we think that gay bars and dating sites are our only options. Instead, remain open to opportunities to meet people all the time. Your hobbies and everyday activities may present opportunities for potential mates to approach you. Just walking your dog, reading a book at the coffee shop, or what you pick up at the grocery store may draw a potential mate’s attention. Also, look for ways to start conversations with those men you find handsome or interesting. I’m not saying you should flirt shamelessly, but test the waters with attractive younger men when you can. Even if they don’t happen to be gay learning to approach and talk with younger men will be good practice for when you do meet an younger gay man.

For those older guys out there that have dated younger men, what strategies have worked best for you? At what sort of places is it easiest to meet younger men?

36 Responses

  1. I have met younger men here in NYC at various gay-themed events; i.e., at the Lesbian/Gay Film Festival, where I am generally the oldest by far; at Broadway Cares (devoted to fighting AIDs), and, in the Lesbian/Gay sections of Barnes & Noble and Borders and in the Gay dvd section at Mega Virgin.

    There are also monthly gay socials (again, here in NYC, but I suspect that most larger cities have similar socials) here there is often a healthy generational mix.

    But it is certainly not a cakewalk, meeting up with younger men.

  2. Im 40 and have friends significantly older than me. Some of them have groups of young guys that hang out with them, rent rooms from them, etc. That is actually a gold mine. Hang out with someone else has already done all of the work.

    • @Mark. You cannot really call yourself old yet my lad. When I was 40 it was very easy to meet young men because at 40 you are still young or young looking. I am now 59 and look older. I have gray hair and a pot belly, wrinkles and skin blemishes or age spots I did not have at 40. Men who are older in my age group are looking for a young man who wants stability and one partner. When I was 40 I still thought much like younger guys and was still healthy and liked to play the field and meet

  3. i’m 27 and i have a 47 year old bf but i’m not out of the closet yet what do i do. i love him

    • Victor, Everyone’s experience is different. But, like you I had my first bf at age 27. I was out to most of my friends, but I had to come out to my parents after I had already moved in with John. The stress of coming out can also put a lot of stress on your relationship; but when you find those really supportive friends you can come out to it will mean so much. Best wishes to you!

    • Hi Victor,
      I thought I’d chime in a bit. Outing yourself is a difficult thing, any of us will own up to that, but it’s also a maturing thing. Taking ownership of your identity will help you find your “center”. You’ll feel better about not having an ugly secret that you can’t deal with. You’re fortunate to have a BF not being out, as many men won’t date someone who has made this step. Generally speaking the concern here is that if you’re out your BF can be reasonably affectionate in public, at least that’s what’s most immediately on the surface, but there’s something much more important than that.
      Your BF has to live his life with you keeping very quiet and being cautious of who finds out what. The secret isn’t only yours you see, but it’s his too.
      For a time I was a secret from my BF’s family. He couldn’t come to terms with what he felt was going to be the reaction from his family and friends. This coupled with some other problems in his life ultimately lead to our break up.
      Don’t read the wrong things into this, your BF may be happy as can be with you in the closet and your “people” can be in the dark about your superhero identity and everything can be fine, but you will eventually be happier once you’re out.
      there’s lots of guys here that will be supportive of you in addition to your BF, take advantage of that support. It will help a great deal.
      Y

    • Victor, If he loves you and you trust him I would discuss it with him and let him know your fears. He should understand. Young people are still learning about themselves at your age. Although you may feel being gay is the right fit for you and your life and meets your needs as a person there can still be doubt and that is normal. There is no rush to being ‘out.’ Take your time but let your b/f know that you love him despite your doubt.. Get his support so when you are ready have a coming ‘out’ party and let him plan it. It will demonstrate your trust in him and let him be part of something special. Best wishes. James

  4. Why are old gay men obsessed with hanging with kids?

    • First I would ask what you consider “kids”.

      If you are referring to younger men. Maybe some are obsessed, many aren’t, and many fall somewhere in between.
      My partner is much older than me and I’m almost exclusively attracted to men over 50. Does this make me obsessed?

    • @ jack. The reasons are many. Some older men are attracted to younger men because they represent a reminder of the older man’s youth and make a older man feel youthful again. For others it might just be an erotic fantasy/desire just as some young men are attracted to older men exclusively because they have a ‘daddy’ complex. And there are many more reasons such as young men prefering an older man because they are generally more mature emotionally and are secure and patient. My point is that just because a young guy likes an older guy or vice a versa does not mean that person is not like everyone else otherwise. Personalities and likes and dislikes are like opinions. Everyone has a different one and deserving of consideration. Peace and Blessings. James

    • @ Jack..we are not…but as a 53 yr old who was homosexually active since age 12, I can tell you, your tastes never change. What I found attractive at 20 when I was a horny little slut, I find attractive today. We all get old, Jack. You will too, so how you treat older men will be how you are treated when you reach their age, so be careful your judgements. We are all alive NOW. We are all the same age…alive. Ageism is so 1960′s rebellion. So lame. If anything, queers should stick together no matter what age…the world is hard enough on us as it is without our own judging us because our skin isn’t as tight or our hair a little grey. If you disdain older men hanging with younger men, you’re missing the best friends and mentors of your life. If so I feel sorry for you.

  5. I am 43 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for 8 years now.

    In Africa, it is pretty hard for a younger guy to meet an older one but we managed somehow although 22 and 35 did not look to big a gap for us at the time

    • @kenyangay. Hello. I am sorry to hear that you lost your partner. I am happy that your parents are supportive of you. I know that you will find someone else who will treat you right. Relationships especially long distance ones are hard. I am an older white guy who met a very nice young black guy while travelling in Nigeria. Unfortunately his parents were not kind like yours and forced him to marry a woman and threatened him if he continued our relationship so we are no longer together. Sometimes relationships work out and love blossoms and sometimes they are just for a short time and must end. All one can do is make the most out of things and keep their good memories and move on. I plan on retiring in africa in three years and hope to find someone again and I wish you luck and hope you can find someone too. Best of wishes. James

    • @Kenyanguy. I apologize sir. I meant my email for Robey. I started to type and placed your name at start of message when I meant to put Robey’s. I am happy to hear that you and your partner are still together and wish you both the best. I also would like to ask you and others from africa what places are safe to meet young african guys or to retire to. I will be coming to africa in three years and hope to settle in and find a good guy. Take care. Peace and blessings. James

      • @james, thanks for the message, I know its sad to accept last month i tried to talk to him again but i think not gonna work again,Im from Phil/ and his from Netherlands. I have catholic country thats why im happy to tell to my parents that im gay and i have bf (my parents already meet my bf as friend of mine) Now im trying to move even its really hurt if thats make him happy,ill be happy for him..

  6. well i was unlucky , i like older men and i met one, who told me he was curious/ blah blah

    had me perform oral on him and then he tells me he stopped taking meds and i better get checked and walked out

    i didnt get the same respect i gave him and i will not see his age at all

    why have a name of “curious_first_time” and ruin me?

    i just lost my job too , and my father just passed, and i have cancer from the virus.

    i hope you’re happy curious

    • It’s horrible that you’ve had the kind of experience. I’m sure it’s not the first time it’s happened. It’s difficult to rationalize, but when someone is sick in the body, they can easily become sick in the mind as well. I would recommend to anyone, practice safe sex, the first time, every time and all the time until you are completely secure that neither one of you is harboring anything problematic and have established each other as monogamous with one another…

      You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

    • @Ron Cormier. I am really sorry to hear of your very negative and abusive experience Ron. I assure for each creep like the one you had the misfortune to be abused by, there are many others like me who are seeking a good young man for companionship and to care for. And I have had a bad experience also by a younger man who I trusted and cared for. Although he was not ill in any way he turned out to be Bi and had a girlfriend who was his priority. So in any new relationship there can be problems and all you can do is try to be good and if you get a bad partner just move on. Best wishes . James

  7. Read all the comments all good and one that touched my heart . I have met a number of younger guys and have yet to find an honest and sincere individual..but I will keep looking…
    To Ron God bless and you will be in my prayers tonite…Randy

  8. Hi guys,im 23 years old i have bf 33 years old,and we have long distance relationship,we break up last month,and because of that i decided to open to my parents who i am and whos the guy with me..They accept who i am,but too sad cos the man i really love is not with me anymore

  9. I’m 25 years old and I’m from Paraguay, btw today’s my birthday ;-)

    My boyfriend is 27 years older than me and he’s from Belgium, and despite of the age difference, the geographical distance, the cultural differences and many other factors that make our relationship unique and sometimes hard to carry on (it’s not easy, we have our ups and downs), we simply love eachother, I feel the happiest man on earth when I’m close to him, he knows me with all my victories and failures and from the moment we start talking or interacting everything is natural, there are no differences at all. We never saw ourselves as he’s the older and I’m the younger.

    It’s been almost two years since that magical evening when we met, none of us were looking for a relationship and I still remember his words after the first skype session… I hope this is not gonna end tonight… and I still fall in love with him from times to times.

    The reason I wanted to tell about us is just to let you know that apart from all that stereotyped vision os this kinds of relationships, there are cases that shows completely the opposite, this is not only about sex, it’s about living my life with someone that makes of me a complete person.

    • Aww lucky man,its really awesome when i heard some story like this,we have same situation before,i have long distance relationship im 23 and his 33,diff. country diff. culture..and 4 months ago we broke up,i feel so disappointed,we he tell me that he wants a freedom and find his self,,we know each other, 1 year as friend and 2 years as bf..we meet 4 times already,i tried to make him happy every we meet and do a memorable things that he will never forget.. Too hard to accept that were not together,we stop communicating.,i guess its for me to moved on,i love him and i will understand his decision.

      Im Happy for u man,best wishes for both of u :)

  10. hi, im from sydney australia, im 49 and interested in guys 18 to 30ish, I dont have a lot of luck? not sure if im going about it right, any advice.

  11. My challenge is I am 44 and attracted to guys 18-30ish and I am in a wheelchair. I am a successful professional. But it is hard to find guys who are interested in a man 20 years older than them and which physical challenges. And yes, everything works down below and up above. But most guys make assumptions instead of considering the possibilities.

    • Robert, I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you face. I’m not sure if I have any advice to give, or honestly if you were even seeking any. The only thing I can think is, stay positive and keep working to educate people.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.

  12. If there isnt anything wrong withd ating older men, why those old men( over 40) date other old men? Not all youngs guys like old men, deal with it.

  13. Earlier in the article where you suggested websites, I would like to throw mine in the hat. I started Silverfoxie earlier this year and its been growing rapidly. It’s one of the few sites that really plays up face pics, which is important to me when I’m searching for a date.

  14. I’m 22 and am vastly interested in older men – particularly men who are in their late 40′s to late 50′s. I’m living in London (or soon to be at least) and really like men who embrace their age and looks. Grey hair is attractive and older guys should be proud of it. I think the absolute hottest thing is salt and pepper hair, glasses and a warm smile. Add to that a guy who is in reasonable shape, educated, masculine and likes to be caring and gentle around his young companion. The thing I find amusing when I’m chatting to older men online is that quite often they try to act someway younger, presumably because of fear of being rejected. However, for me at least, part of the attraction of an older guy is his “older” (read: conventional/traditional) ways. By that I mean, men who enjoy meaningful conversation, dinner, trips to museums, picnics, walks in the park, cuddling

    Where I live at the moment is a place which “offers” a considerable amount of gay men, but in a rather parochial environment… which means that quite often, older men are reluctant to meet with younger men for multifarious reasons, predominantly, though, for fear of being “outted”.

    I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, but all I can say is (and this is just my opinion):
    Older guys out there, be confident with yourself when meeting younger men, be realistic in how you “sell” yourself (as in, be truthful about your physique/looks and use recent pictures) online or in-person. State what you’re looking for and what you find attractive, as for some guys like me, who aren’t just looking for nsa or to perform in return for money, meeting for drinks or going to the museum with a wiser, mature, caring older guy is a huge turn-on.

    • You sound like an outstanding young man. I am 44 and still have some of my boyish looks which can be a curse and a blessing. I find that I am either overlooked because I am too old or looked at as younger than I am and thus attract older men, who I am not attracted to.

      Ideally I would like to meet someone who is youthful like me, but closer to my age. The reasons being that I have more in common and not perceived as the Daddy. I find young men attractive physically, but the ones I have dated have not been mature, kind or honest.

      Older men aren’t attractive to me physically at all and even ones my age or even somewhat younger are slim pickings on being attractive and fit. Not to be shallow, but there has to be some chemistry and attraction.

      Add to this that a lot of guys I come in to contact with are just about screwing everyone physically and literally and I don’t want to be just a notch on their bedpost. I want a more traditionally relationship, or at least honesty and that seems to be as rare as a 100 year old virgin.

  15. Where can I meet other mature gay
    men to just be friends with ?

  16. okay this is a very real story. i am 70. the guy i’m crazy for is 21.
    just typing that sends shivers. 49 years. we go out socially. we
    have sex sorta of. (I satisfy him orally). i feel its feeling weird.
    neway i feel lost

    • Eric, If you and this 21 yo care for each other, age is only one factor, not the factor. But if it is just about sex, you might question if you are both being fully who you are. One thing that is always challenging is the societal view that 21 year olds are not capable of mature decisions; this is not always true. If you both are communicating about your relationship with each other and are committed to meeting the challenges of a judgmental society (gay community included), you can make it work. But if you continue to feel weird and/or lost about the relationship, you might forget about society and think about how you personally feel about this may-december relationship. You may not be as okay with it as you might hope you are. Be true to you. You both deserve at least that.

    • Eric,
      I agree with Robert (being a Robert myself it’s a must anyway) there are many issues that surround and circulate through a relationship, age and age differences can be among them. If you both conclude that age is only a number and your maturity levels (which will be different and that’s okay) can co-exist in the confines of a relationship, well then enjoy each other. If you’re concerned that’s fine, it’s appropriate to be, but don’t allow the ignorance of others to destroy something beautiful.

      Having been in a brief but very special relationship with someone 32 years my junior I can tell you it’s intense, but at the same time wonderful… I’m currently seeing someone who is 20 years younger and we get along famously… and I can see myself with him for years to come.

      If you’re concerned about his family and your reception I’d suggest you read my article which our host was kind enough to publish here. http://gaytodecember.com/2012/02/10/guest-post-rodney-and-me/

      Be well
      Robert Riley

  17. I am 46 years old and I’m currently seeing a young guy who is 25. We’ve been exclusively seeing each other for 8 months. I know it’s exclusive because he has slept in my bed literally every night for the past 7 months. He had his own room in a 4 bedroom apartment that he shares with 4 roommates. When we go out, we take turns covering the bill… He is very aware of the stigma that is associated with the “younger guy” and works hard to not let it affect us. We both work, me in sales and he in nursing. We found each other on grindr last June and just met for drinks… Our first “real” date was 4th of July. Since then we have spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s together with members of both of our families. I can honestly say that I love him and without a doubt I know he loves me. I realize that this sounds like bragging, but I’m not. I’m trying to show that a May-November (I refuse to be called a December-haha) relationship can work. We are very sexually active as well. We talk continuously, texting regularly. We are so compatible in many ways. We’ve gone to comedy clubs together, restaurants, and bars. We walked through Chinatown and Little Italy multiple times. We’ve walked the entire High Rise walk way several times. Went to the beach during the summer and visited Lancaster, PA this past fall. We went to a Halloween party dressed as zombies together. It has been an amazing adventure and recently we have both been imagining the possibility of marriage and children. So.. My friends… It can happen… Just be patient and watchful. I do believe in fairy tales as I’m living one… But rest assured, if it happened to me, it can happen for you..

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