For individuals entering any type of intimate relationship there is going to be some level of anxiety. One is always concerned if the other party is going to like them. However, for intergenerational couples these anxieties may come in the form of age or status related concerns. Often these anxieties can be subliminal, not fully apparent to the individuals involved in the relationship. By addressing these anxieties consciously, though, an individual can either move beyond them and let the relationship flourish, or identify incompatibilities that are irreconcilable and decide to move on. Today I present to you five major points of anxiety for gay intergenerational couples. I hope they serve as a starting point for self reflection for my readership as well as a conversation starter here at GtD.
Perception - Individuals within intergenerational couples are often concerned with the perceptions of others, particularly if they are entering their first age disparate relationship. As I discussed in many of my early posts here, there are a number of stereotypes surrounding intergenerational couples. This can lead to a lot of anxiety for those individuals, which can effect how they approach the relationship. I remember fearing intensely the reactions of family and friends to the news that I had entered a relationship with someone much older than myself not to mention anxieties over the way strangers may treat us as well. Outside societal pressure can definitely have negative impacts on ones relationship and until I came to the conclusion that I had to make my own decisions, I questioned what future John and I might have.
Opportunism - Both older partners and younger partners my have concerns that they are taken advantage of. Is the younger partner simply using the older for financial gain? Is the older with the younger merely for sexual reasons or for status within the gay community. While the problem of opportunism can be a legitimate concern, and I would never encourage an individual to let themselves be taken advantage of, the charge of opportunism is a serious one and can be quite hurtful if not true. Fully examine anxieties over opportunism, before acting upon them.
Performance - This is probably an anxiety felt more acutely by older men than younger men. Incidence of decreased sexual function increases with age. Some older men fixate on problems they may have with sexual function leading to anxiety about how that will effect the relationship or how the younger man may react. To a lesser extent younger men may have some anxieties in this area, worried how they may measure up to previous partners in the love making department.
Autonomy - On the other hand anxieties over autonomy are more likely to touch the younger partner. Older partners in intergenerational relationships are often more established financially and professionally, and may have a leg up in terms of their relationships with friends and family (i.e. how long they have been out and accepted by those groups). For the younger individual this may pose a challenge to their independence and self authorship. How do you cultivate a healthy relationship with someone that has already established their identity when you’re still working on yours? At the same time the older partner may fear hindering their younger partner’s development, concerned they may hold the younger man back.
Rejection - Ultimately the anxiety we all share when we enter a new relationship is the fear of rejection. The previous anxieties feed the fear of rejection as do other concerns. The older man may fear that he not in good enough shape. The younger man may fear that he’s not educated or experienced enough. And because of these or other anxieties both parties ultimately have anxiety over rejection. Early on every small argument and disagreement my feel like grounds for rejection. Fortunately as time goes by, if all these anxieties are confronted and dealt with, that anxiety of rejection begins to fade and a stronger relationship is left in its place.
Filed under: Advice, Dating, Young Relationship Tagged: | age difference, age disparate, appearance, autonomy, Dating, erectile dysfunction, gay, glbt, homosexual, intergenerational, LGBT, list, may to december, older gay men, older men, opportunism, perception, performance, queer, rejection, relationship, romance, sex, sex appeal, younger men
I realised, i’m going back to him and I will never leave him alone in his olderage.
I’m 41 and my bf is 21. We’ve been making a serious go at it, since he first came at me, some 18 months ago. I am surprised everyday at the dynamics in our relationship – since I never noticed younger men. I was always the boy seeking a daddy. Found your blog as I was searching for some information and support. Thank you for this. Keep it up.
OK, so for me this the most scary thing I can think of. I’ve waited a long time, I’m 52, for a really great guy to be interested in me. He’s 36 and I think the distance between those numbers is too great. Thanks for the site. I just want a chance at this. Wish us luck!
I totally have hope for you two! rock on!
Too both Michaels, I wish you good luck in your relationships. Be honest with yourself and your partner, be aware of whatever anxieties you feel, and know that they don’t always have to control you.
Three yrs ago I broke up with my ex bf, we were 17 yr difference. We both faced anxiety right in the eyes. It was difficult, loving and scary all at the same time. I have no regrets, I fell in love and so did he but we had our differences in generation that made things a challenge. I believe as long as the 2 men are on the same page that things will be fine, if not, the journey can be very tough.
Very uncommon wisdom expressed here. Where did you get it all? Is there some great deposit in the sky, or fountain from which you drink that gives you such insights? Well done! I have found your addressing of this and other issues to be of a very high calibre, and profound. Yesterday I viewed “The Silent Man” – which plucked at the chords of my heart. I think you would know and understand exactly the multilayered depths in that film. Keep up the good work.
wow! I’ve been looking for a source of info on this topic for awhile. Thank you! I’m 18 years old and I’m looking for man who is in his 30s…I’m determined and finding your site has given me more hope to continue networking
this is a great article i found googling “taken advantage off” i am 40 and my partner of 4 years is just turning 32. i have 2 kids, house and money though currently unemployed and he works fulltime. I am over having 3 kids sometimes as i am doing 95% of the domestic chores etc and i think he thinks i am his dad or wife or something. i was married for 18 years and he gay his whole life so reverse issues in some aspects but i dont need the flatery of a young man, he often says he is the sugar i am the daddy and it makes me sick. Eyes wide open men.
Thanks for laying all of this out in such an insightful way! I am 23 and my boyfriend is 54… we’ve been together for 2.5 years and I can honestly say that you hit the bullseye on this one. We worked through almost every item on this list and came out even stronger than before. I just wish I had had this list before I had met him… would have saved a lot of fights. lol
[...] still run into some ignorance from our social groups. People not into the daddy scene sometimes see intergenerational relationships as fake, thinking that the guys are more into an extended role-play than they are a long-term [...]
Thoughtful post. I’m starting to see someone 12 years older than I. Coming to terms with the fact that I prefer older men — at least four years older — mainly because they’ve established their identities for the most part. I don’t like dating guys my age — mid-twenties — for the opposite reason. While most twentysomething gay men haven’t fully established themselves in life (Lord knows I haven’t), there’s a degree of maturity lacking in my age group that I find attractive. And I think less about why I’m attracted to older men, and more spcifically why I’m not looking for potential partners in my own ag group?
[...] a post about the anxiety caused by knowing about or meeting a partner’s former lover [...]
I’m not sure this is quite the right topic to post this in, but reading your words made be think.
I am 27, my bf is 65. We have been together 5 years now and very much in love. Although I have all the regular anxieties of the age gap: perception by others, how we will be in 10 years, the one thing that I have found hardest in dating an older man is this: Its tough to build a life together with a man who already has built his.
I have a career, and have a full time professional job. My bf is retired and has had a great career, and we live comfortably in his house sharing all maintenance and costs. Its a great relationship, and a happy life.
The one thing missing is that sense of building a life together. We will never have that feeling of moving into our first place together, choosing our furniture, and all that stuff.
I realise in the grand scheme of things this is a rather moot point – we are happy, we love each other, our family tolerate or openly like one another, and we enjoy life.
But it is a major consideration for anyone entering into a transgenerational relationship as the younger party. What I have discovered from my own limited experience is this: When you move into an older man’s life it is just that.
Any words of advice I have for older guys wishing to make their younger men a little bit happier is this. They may not tell you it means a lot, but let them pick the lampshade in the downstairs loo, or the colour of paint in the spare bedroom.
Interesting article. Intergenerational relationships can be problematic. It’s nice to see that some work out as well. I’ve experienced both sides of it. Most men seem to avoid commitment, that is the main challenge in any relationsip. At 40, I’m meeting some younger guys I find very impressive. They are mature for their age, intelligent, well-educated, giving. I don’t have a problem with it, as long as it’s a mutal attraction. I recently dated a younger guy, 20 years my junior. It was fun, and I kept it non-sexual. Some of my peers accepted it, and did not judge us. Some brutally attacked me (verbally), and told me what an awful person I am, and how intellectually superior they are to me for not dating younger guys. It was quite dramatic. I definitely saw a hint of jealousy, and extreme bitterness in some. Also, my partner told me that his family would be extremely upset if they found out about us. That is why I ended it. I don’t care what my family and friends think, but I don’t want to damage someone elses life who is in a different situation. if you’re 40+ and you parade around town with a 20 year old, you will face some amount of hate. I believe some of it is jealousy, but family issues are different. If you had a child, would you be upset if they were dating someone much older than them? I think it’s fine, as long as everything is mutual, and no one is being hurt/manipulated. I might be singing a different tune if I had a child of my own.
Well a large age difference is a big challenge. The experienced man has had a career established and the younger is establishing his own. It can lead to anxiety and pressure that need not be. It is so easy to say it is what it is, but many judge. My young man is in a graduate program and I am nearing retirement. We love each other and we face daily challenges of society and our own perceptions of what a couple should be like. My anxiety fades with time as does his. It is not an easy road. But we are both learning more about love and relationships from one another than I thought possible.
I am 57 gay and my new bf is 23. I am old enough to be his father. But I don’t feel like he is a son to me. I accept his freedom to live how he chooses. We have differences, I have concerns. The biggest will be what his family has to say about it. He is very much involved with his large family, which I think is great. But they haven’t met me yet. I am scared.
I am 59 and dating a 30 year old. He is sexy, fun ,mature and we love each other dearly and look forward to moving in together soon. It works so well for us and we have both never been happier. I take the point about retirement etc as I am about to do this but then will have time to help my partner with his developing acting career. We are both different nationalities too and enjoy sharing each other’s cultures. We are both optimistic and keen to make it all work out.
I have been in a few relationships with older men. I am 28 and my partner is 50. I have had to personally deal with all of the same challenges identified in the article, with the additional fears around what the future will hold. One thing I have learned, however, is to live in the moment. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Thinking about the future only causes anxiety, and the past has already happened. Enjoy what you have with the person you are with. If it ends, it ends. Just take the legacy of that time and move forward with it. Thanks for writing this article. All the best to all of the men!