I have been writing about intergenerational gay relationships for some time now, and tangentially about men who have come out late in life. As a blogger on WordPress I can see some of the search terms that bring people to my site. Curiously one that comes up, in various forms, time and again is the question; “Why do older men turn gay?”
I suspect that this question comes from siblings, children, and/or spouses of someone that has come out late in life. These people may be looking for answers during a time when their world has become challenging and confusing. This makes a lot of sense. These individuals have viewed this man in traditional heterosexual roles of husband and/or father, but all of a sudden he is, seemingly, claiming to be someone completely different.
However, I think this question “why do older men turn gay?”, is a bit limiting. In this post I will reflect on my experience, the experiences of others, and the nature of male sexuality to shed some light on this issue. We’ll start by taking a look at two competing theories about human sexuality and see how those may relate to coming out as an older man.
People are Born Gay
The first theory of human sexuality, and one that I think is embraced by much of the gay male community, is the notion that sexuality is defined early in life (likely childhood) and is unchanging. In this instance a person coming out late in life did not turn gay, rather they have been gay all along, but for a variety of reasons chose to live a straight lifestyle. Many gay men recount stories about knowing they were different at a very young age. For myself I started recognizing attractions to men early in my teens, though I tried to deny it even to myself for years. Much of my social circle consists of older gay men. A large percent of them were married at one time, but most if not all recount early attractions or sexual relations with men even before getting married.
Sexuality is Fluid
A second interpretation of human sexuality is that orientation is fluid and can shift over time. This view recognizes that human sex orientation is a continuum from having solely attraction to the same sex on one end and solely heterosexual attraction on the other end, with individuals in between that have varying levels of attraction to both genders. One may be mostly attracted to the same sex, but hold slight attractions to the opposite sex or vice-versa. Under the fluidity model, throughout life people shift along this continuum, though often not shifting great distances. In the case of men who come out late this may mean they fell somewhere in the middle of the continuum, but closer to the heterosexual end, earlier in life. However, later in life their attractions shifted more towards men. Likely, all along there was an attraction to men, but because of social pressures and familial expectation these bisexual men tended toward heterosexual relationships. That said, scientific studies of the subject tend to recognize this sort of fluidity in women more often than in men.
Motivations for Playing it Straight
It should be understood that men who come out late and have been married, and perhaps even had children, were often under a lot of social and familial pressure to do so. Even more striking compared to contemporary gay experience, many coming of age prior to the 1970s met institutional condemnation of homosexuality in the field of psychology. Seeking the aid of a psychologist meant being told that getting married and having kids, denial of one’s feelings and attractions, was the cure. Once established in such a relationship, especially after having kids, the pressure to stay straight is even stronger. Coming out can have repercussions on social status, employment, and last but not least a fear of hurting their loved ones. Understandably, the wives and children of gay men that come out late may feel betrayed or unwanted. But, as I speak with gay men that have transitioned from straight life, I usually hear nothing but love and respect for those family members.
Why Come Out Now?
The timing and reasons for coming out, young or old, married or not, are ultimately very personal for every gay man. But, for those that have been married I’ve noticed some common experiences. First, for some men, leading a double life becomes unbearable. While not all married gay men cheat on their wives with other men, some do. This way of life carries it’s own stresses and ultimately the man is discovered, or decides it would be better if he outs himself before he is discovered. For others, I think coming out late may often coincides with a midlife crisis. After living so long the way they are expected to live, middle aged men begin to realized they are running out of time to live they way they want to live. Also, during this time their children are getting older and becoming more independent. The timing for coming out may coincide with feeling that their family is capable of coping with the stress, with the sense of loss.
I am pleased to say though that I’ve seen a number of families that have weathered such a storm. It takes time, but after the hurt feelings and tumultuous time of change, families of gay fathers often return to a place of love, caring, and mutual respect, only now in a new form.
Filed under: Commentary, Questions Tagged: | attraction, divorce, fluid, gay, glbt, homosexual, intergenerational, LGBT, married, older gay men, older men, queer, sexual orientation
This is a really interesting piece. Thank you.
its because of age you become more confident in yourself.
I admire your answer, but I think men can become bored with women when they have had experenced to many different one and none mogonomous. So I feel the search for new horizions, may include other men. The challange is the prusit and when we tyre of catching we try to catch something different.
Just keep in mind every man is different. There is no solid this what it could be; this is what’s not. Because every man’s expierience in life is different. The numbers of reasons for men behaving the way they do sexually and otherwise for relationships are numerous.
I’m a 60-year-old man who, after a devastating breakup with my last girlfriend, decided to become gay. After such heartbreak and emotional stress, I no longer wanted to be with a woman again. But what to do about sex? I decided the best thing for me was to reach out to other men for any future sexual encounters. Since I had never, ever had a gay thought in my life, I knew accepting such a major departure from everything I’d ever known wasn’t going to be easy. I had to alter my entire thinking processes of what I knew, to what was completely foreign. It was a long process in which I had to teach myself that another man’s body could be just as attractive, and just as sensual as a woman’s. In my mind, I had to become a willing partner, enjoying whatever pleasures might come my way. I used the internet, magazines, online chatrooms and my own vivid imaginations in order to immerse myself in a new sexual identity. Finally, after working up enough courage to take my efforts to their logical conclusion, I made a date with a gay man in my community who I met online. I was totally shocked to find that I loved every minute of our time together. The new sensations, tastes and smells, although completely new to my senses, were an absolute wonder to behold. In fact, I was completely surprised at how natural being with another man could be — in many ways, a lot more normal than being with a woman.
I realize most — if not all — people will tell you that you’re either born gay or you’re not ever going to be gay. I’m sorry, but in my case that old argument doesn’t hold water. And no, I’m not “Bi” either, as I don’t enjoy women at all anymore, and whenever I have thoughts of, have fantasies of, or visualize sex in my mind, it’s always now with another man. I’m glad I took the steps necessary to becoming gay. It certainly has opened up an exciting and rewarding new chapter to my life.
MY experience. My first gay experience occurred at age 63. Although I had only had sex with women until then, it felt really natural to be in bed with another guy. I love it!
there is an amazing adventure for lots men to transform and discover a new life. its so awesome to learn that there is more out there regarding the realm of sensuality and sexuality. i was aproached by many men later on and never gave it time to poder. i decided to keep on looking when i had the chance. when you have an open mind, you learn a new way of feelngs and yearnings.
I felt like this in my 30s and tried it out the same. I felt all the same feelings as you about gay sex which is amazing
Nice to here that I am not the lone ranger here ,I am 63 and married for 42 yrs.I kind of thought about the fact that I was gay since I was a young boy but growing up back then I just was not allowed to be that way so I just tried to hide it and live a straight life.I retired last year and looked back at my life and although over the years I did have male to male sex I came to the reality that I am gay and I came out and told my family and some of my close friends.I think that my wife is trying to accept it and my children and grandchildren do ,only one friend could not so I guess that he was not really a friend to begin with.
Since I did come out I am on some kind of a gay high like going to gay clubs “bath houses” and wanting to go to gay bars and dress in a fashion to attract a gay man such as wearing nylon stockings with bluejeans just to show that I am gay.This kind of life is all kind of new to me and I do not know how to handle it without hurting those that I love ,I will be thankful for any advise.Jerry
Jerry,
Everyone’s experience is different, however I think there are some rules to live by. As you come out to old friends and family that know you from your straight life take it slow. Be honest, but don’t be brutally honest. Recognize that it will take them time to get used to your new identity. Also, take time for yourself; you’ll need it to process your own experiences without getting overwhelmed. This can be a very emotional time for both you and your family, that is normal.
jerry that scene is not good at this stage the gay scene is a cruel bitchy place dont jump in like that its a minefield young twink guys will have a radar for a sugar dad back off mate take your time
I am a 59 year old man who has always had attractions to men but have been married twice to women. I have now decided to explore romantic relationships with men. I am normally attracted to men younger than myself, perhaps between 30 and 40. But it seems very difficult to find men who are interested in a man my age, even though I am in good shape and young acting for my age
im a gay man who is not out i had a freind who was 70 im 53 we watch sport and socilaise but i was always attracted to him he is a widower and i always got the impression he would like to get closer becoue of our working class backgrounds it was and still is to dicey to open up
I’m 60, married and have led a bisexual life for the last 40 years. Trouble is, I love older men and as I’m getting older myself it’s geting harder to find men who still want to be sexually active.
my wife lost interest in sex years ago: to have sex with another woman seemed a lot more risky than with another man. i can have sex with a man without the drama. i am almost seventy and still have a sexual outlet: it seems to work for me.
You don’t know how important this article is for me, it fits me like a glove. MY wife is calling me selfish and why do I do I want to destroy the family. I just want to be the person I was supposed to be from childhood. Thanks
As a 52 yo gay man having gone ‘full circle’ from straight teenager with girlfriends and somewhat homophobic, to bisexual, then in my early 20′s to gay thereafter.
I have experienced the best of both worlds and what works for me is choice. I Chose and Choose to be gay. I’m happy and that’s the key.
BTW I’m still not out to family and friends, why would I want to inflict the knowledge of my selfish choices on the ones I love. If I feel they are better off not knowing (in my opinion) then its my choice to tell them or not! Think of the consequences on others before yourself! Wishing you all a prosperous 2013 from a Paddy in London UK xx
Hi Jack,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m curious why you made the shift from being straight as a teenager to gay in you twenties and why you’ve never gone back to women since then? Also, why do you feel that it is selfish to be gay?
Hi again,
Thanks for your interest in my thoughts.
The first question re: shifting from straight to gay is a small book which needless to say, curiosity and libido played a big part. The reason I never went back to woman is that after a little initial wobble, I settled into long term relationships with men, the current is 10 years and previously: 16 years “je ne regrette rien”!
To qualify my use of the word ‘selfish’. I was referring to my personal choice to be gay and the repercussions that choice may have on myself and others if they knew. It’s a simple choice for me, if I came out, I would loose family over it. Therefore, I’m not going there, its a no brainer for me.
i a a 40 year old not married and i love oldermen, recently i am not out yet but iknow i am homosexual, recently i get involved with a 72 year old gay men, who took advantage of me of my unwarnes and he had a week of good fun, and he left me without explanation. how can i trust somebody else when my first experience was bitter?
George dont let that experience put u off, older men are the bestI am in my late 30s, I always enjoy my time with men who are over 60s, so go ahead and keep looking am sure someone there will be for u, once again older men are the best in bed and in mind..
and best wishes for Karl too xx
all the best
Hi George , I always knew I was Bi but really more so gay , I have always liked older mature men from the time I knew why I was looking at them.
I never had any sex with a man or more so guys of my own age when I was younger but when I as 38 I met a gay guy who was looking after a house for 2 gay friends of his , he was in his mid 50′s who I liked a lot and may have done anything to be with him , This was the first man I had ever had sex with , to make things worse he didn’t like uncut guys as I am but he did like me and asked me to spend a night with him .
I loved that first night so much I was willing to get cut just for this man (how stuppid was that), he asked me to spend a second night with him about 3 days later but before i would get to the house I would phone to make sure the coast was clear,When I called he wouldn’t answer the phone and i knew he was home , I didn’t know what had happen or what I did wrong . I will not go into all the details but it was 2 weeks of hell with this man , I never got to be with him again and I felt like you , hurt and I never wanted to meet a gay man again if this is how they were .
The guy I met was looking after to older gay friends home , they were both 67 years old and that was more the age I liked , they found out about me through a third party and the 2 older gay men called me , this was about 2 months after the peoblems with there friend , they never knew of my meeting with there friend at the time . Long story short I felt I should give the 2 man a chance and not judge them for what happen , I met them on the 28th of September 1998 and by the end of November I moved in with them and have been living with 2 of the loveliest guys I could have ever wished for still t this day ,
DON’T give up just because one guy hurts you , you will find someone who will care about as much as you care for them.