In the afternoon we lazed in our resort’s pool area for the first time for any significant length of time. It was a great afternoon for it and gave us an opportunity to visit with other guests.

Finally, in the evening we visited Trio, another one of Palm Springs highly touted restaurants. The atmosphere was chic and the food delicious. John and I had the scollops and rigatoni respectively, both were quite good.

That’s it on the trip for now. However, over the next few days I plan to reflect a little more on the trip with new posts and to update this and the previous posts that I’ve been writing on the fly. It has been a fun experiment live blogging this vacation, I hope it informs others about the pleasures of Palm Springs.

The Wyeth show was a pleasure as I usually enjoy his work. Works ranged from small prepatory sketches to watercolors to rich tempera on panel paintings. A short film also played in the gallery further illuminating his work. In addition to the special exhibitions John and I perused PSAM’s permanent collections. Their modern and contemporary collection was especially well presented, arranged by thematic groups on the third floor. Parts of the collection were displayed with less finesse, but this may be remedied when the museum undergoes a planned expansion in the next few years.

In the afternoon we visited another Palm Springs cultural hallmark, the Palm Springs International Film Festival. When we made our vacation plans we had no idea the festival would be going on. Though we looked for tickets only the day before we were able to get into a movie we were interested in seeing; Love in the Medina. It was the story of a young Moroccan man, his struggle against his highly religious father, and his love for a forbidden woman. The film was quite good and from what we saw the festival organization was a first class affair.

It may be the frivolity, decadence, and resort environment that draws one to Palm Springs, but it is good to know it is home to cultural gems such as these should the mood strike you.

Later, we met another older / younger couple for dinner. It as a real pleasure meeting these guys. I have known them for years via Internet correspondences and the occasional phone call, but this was the first time we’ve had a chance to meet in person. I was a little apprehensive; I would have been disappointed if our good rapport had not carried over to the real world. Fortunately, my fears were unfounded and the four of us had a lovely dinner and conversation.

This morning John and I got some exercise outside; I running and he walking (I did join him for part of the walk). The weather here was perfect today and a huge relief after the winter weather we’ve been having in our part of the country. We enjoyed exploring the neighborhoods around us, seeing fine homes and the occasional oddity of lawn decoration.

After an afternoon of various diversions, we tried one of the most popular restaurants in town, Lulu. The menu had many varied options of a quality that easily could have demanded higher prices.

Dinner was followed by a walk through the Arenas St. block of gay bars and shops. After poking our head in a few places we decided instead to head to Cathedral City to go to Digs, a country western bar. We arrived pretty early, but the atmosphere picked up around 9pm when the Friday night karaoke started. We stuck around to watch several performances, enjoying the welcoming atmosphere and the better than average musical talent.

Time to call it a night, more to come.

Image via Wikipedia

There are things I hate about air travel and things I love. Of course we all get frustrated with the early morning commute to the airport, schlepping luggage, and going through security. But, once I’m through security I love air travel. I relax, have a meal if I have time, and my favorite, people watch the handsome older men inevitably at the airport. As I write this John and I are waiting in the terminal for our flight to Palm Springs, CA. When traveling it really is the destination that makes it all worth it.

Over the years John and I have visited a few “gay meccas” together; most notably West Hollywood and the Castro. But, none have garnered as much anticipation as Palm Springs. The city’s reputation as a gay retirement destination means it trends older and has a reputation for being friendly to intergenerational couples. We’re looking forward to our long weekend in the sun and away from the cold. I hope to share our adventures and impressions here; we’ll see if Palm Springs lives up to expectations.

“Remember that sweet time on sweet earth when
we met to teach each other about love?”
“You were eighteen,” “And you were sixty-two.”
“How did we pull that off?” they thought and laughed.

“Remember when we hiked that buggy path
with bracken on our heads. We looked so dumb”
“Remember the trout lilies and shadbush,
the hemlocks and the mosses and the ferns?”
Each thought how much that precious time was worth,
and with a sigh confessed, “I miss the earth.”

The preceding poem is shared with permission from GtD reader Aaron (27) and his partner Sam (70). Sam wrote this poem on the occasion of their 5th anniversary a few years ago. I’m thankful for such a beautiful tribute to intergenerational love.

Eventually it all came out. We had a weekend where we just had to spill the beans; to talk about what our worries, desires, and concerns were. For the first time in a while we started talking about these difficult subjects. It is funny, early on in our relationship we agreed that open communication was optimal, yet we still found ourselves falling into the habit of withholding our feelings.

At one point I decided to look up information about relationship development and found several articles on the stages people go through in relationships. I found this one, 5 Stages of Committed Relationships, particularly enlightening. All relationships start in a romance stage where your partner can do almost no wrong. This is the sort of romance depicted in movies and TV shows. Having been together for more than four and a half years now, John and I have certainly moved past that point. As we looked at the stages it became pretty clear that we had progressed to stage three; the power struggle stage. This is the stage where differences between the individuals become the most exaggerated and difficult to manage. This is also the stage where most couples break up.

Strangely, realizing that we weren’t alone in this sort of tumult in our relationship diffused a lot of the anxiety I was feeling. John and I were both able to acknowledge that there are things in our relationship we are concerned about, but that we value each other and the relationship enough to try to work this out. Now we’re doing better now, but looking at attending some couple’s counseling to take us that extra mile. I’m happy we took the time to step back and reflect on our relationship. How easy it could have been to simply caved to our frustrations and thrown in the towel rather than trying to actually address the problems.

As a postscript; I realize that being a part of a mixed age gay relationship may make this sort of relationship anxiety harder to deal with. I’ve recognized that I find it hard to bring myself to ask friends for relationship advice when it comes to dealing with problems between John and me. I have no sounding board to vent my frustrations or to bounce ideas off of. I worry, because our relationship is unconventional, that friends or family may interpret my frustrations as confirmation that the relationship wasn’t meant to be in the first place. There is a lot of pressure to present our relationship as one of domestic bliss; but that is really an unrealistic fantasy we shouldn’t have to hold ourselves to.

Cover: Older Man / Younger Man: a Love Story

Across the country the temperatures are dropping; fall has truly arrived. If you are like me this means you’ll start spending more time inside curled up with a good book. Sadly though there aren’t a lot of books geared toward gay men interested in intergenerational relationships. However, this fall a new one has hit the market that just might scratch that itch; Older Man / Younger Man: A Love Story.

Older Man / Younger Man is a memoir by author, and alternative health/spiritual counselor Joseph Dispenza. It tells the story of the author meeting his partner and the story of their first ten years together. At it’s core this story is an honest and revealing narrative about an older man and his partner; thirty years his younger. Dispenza’s book is deeply reflective and offers insight into both the joys and insecurities of sharing a love with someone so different in age. For myself, as a younger partner, it was interesting to have such an intimate look inside the head of an older man in such a similar type of relationship to my own. At the same time so many of his thoughts and feelings were chillingly familiar.

The story is told achronologically; jumping back and forth from the near past, to the distant past, and occasional to fanciful past lives. For the most part the narrative structure keeps the story lively and interesting to read; on several occasions I found myself not able to put the book down for the night (I tend to read before bed). However, in a few rare instances the changes in time-line felt forced; included only to artificially build tension in the story. But, these few stumbles are easy to forgive in an otherwise well conceived book.

Infused within the story is Dispenza’s philosophies on spirituality and personal healing. I don’t consider myself exceptionally spiritual, so for the most part these elements were not particularly compelling. However, there were a few times where the authors thoughts on spirituality and religion were very refreshing. For so many gay men the notion of spirituality is compelling, but due to their experiences with organized religion they have become conflicted and at times even bitter toward that world. Dispenza writes of his own history with Catholicism and later explorations of alternative spiritualities with openness and grace. Within this book there is a sense of reconciliation with spirituality that I think a lot of gay men may find very attractive.

Overall Older Man / Younger Man was a pleasurable read. It is infused with authenticity and intelligence. For those unfamiliar with intergenerational gay relationships it offers much welcomed insight. For those of us in intergenerational gay relationships it offers us a mirror through which we can reflect on our own experiences, values, and aspirations.

More information about this book can be found on the official website or it can be purchased at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or other retailers.

When I first heard about Beginners a few months ago I knew I wanted to see it when it hit theaters.  The film stars Ewan McGregor and Christopher Plummer as father and son.  The former is coming to terms with the ins and outs of making relationships and love work, the latter is coming out late in life and embracing life anew.  The film was written and directed by Mike Mills and loosely based on experiences with his own father.

The core of the story is McGregor as Oliver, the dower but likeable son trying to make a new relationship work.  However his own love life is tinted by the relationship his father had with his mother and his father’s subsequent coming out after his mother’s death. Oliver is an illustrator and graphic designer, and that sensibility is carried through the film. The main story of Oliver’s burgeoning relationship is punctuated by iconic/photographic depictions of the world and ideas Oliver is struggling with.  Also interwoven with the primary story are flashbacks to Oliver’s childhood experiences with his mother and his experiences with his father during the final months of his life.

Plummer takes a wonderful turn as McGregor’s out-late father, Hal. His enthusiasm for his new gay life as well as his struggle with the cancer that, revealed very early in the film, kills him, provide emotional resonance that propels and haunts McGregor’s character throughout the film.

Rounding out the cast are the lovely Mélanie Laurent as Oliver’s love interest and Goran Visnjic as Hal’s much younger boyfriend.  The chemistry in both onscreen couples works well.  I particularly enjoy that Visnjic’s Andy is just strange enough to feel earnest and like a real person.  Last, but not least is Cosmo, the ever present Jack Russell Terrier in the film.  Part security blanket, part sounding board for Oliver’s neurosis; the dog adds some lightness to what is often a very heavy film.

I highly recommend Beginners for those in gay intergenerational relationships; seldom do we see our own stories depicted so sensitively. However, I wouldn’t say this is a stereotypical “gay” film.  There is a lot there to appeal to individuals of diverse backgrounds and experiences.   It is now showing  in select theaters.

Related articles

• Beginners: Making the unfamiliar a matter of family (theglobeandmail.com)

Jonathan Goldsmith - "The Most Interesting Man in the World" and champion of the sexy beard. (image from wikipedia)

If a beard does make the man, what does it make him?  For a long time now I’ve found men with facial hair very attractive.  I think part of that is that men with facial hair tend to appear more mature and it adds to their masculinity.  Don’t get me wrong, I find plenty of clean shaven men attractive, but from a simple mustache to a full beard someone with facial hair is likely to draw my attention.  However, recently I’ve become much more obsessed with full beards.  I don’t know what it is but men with full, well groomed, beards really get me going.  I even find myself giving men my own age a second look.

Beyond my own experience, it is interesting the significance beards can have on social interaction.  There is certainly a wide spread perception that men with beards are more masculine.  A few years ago a gay friend of mine grew a full one and found that people in the workplace questioned his suggestions less frequently.  He also told me that other gay men perceived that he would take a dominant sexual role more frequently than they did before he grew out his beard.  He also noted that he received fewer snide remarks from straight men regarding his sexuality.  Certainly, this is just one anecdotal account, but from observation it is pretty clear that, in general, society treats men with beards differently.

My partner John has a goatee, and for the past few months I’ve been trying to convince him to grow out the rest of his beard.  At first I was just curious how he’d look.  At times he goes a day with out shaving and I find the extra stubble cute.  But as I’ve become more obsessed with full beards I’ve become more determined to get John to grow his out.  I’ve even dreamed he came home one day with a full beard, and I “really like it”.  Am I falling prey to false stereotypes about men with beards?  Perhaps, but if adds some excitement to our life why not go for it.

How do you feel about facial hair? Do you have a beard?  If so, do you feel it affects the way others treat you?

Related articles

• Beards, Speech and Sex (andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com)

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